“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery..”
In fear of rejection, I have not fully opened up about my story with cancer. With God. However, after 4 years of fighting and telling my story, God has called me out. My feet may fail me right now, but it wasn’t a choice. It was a demand. In fact, my thoughts interrupted my morning workout today and I had this sense of urgency to go home and write now. I listened and here is my unedited post.
Yesterday I was cleaning out my daughter’s bookshelf and I found a journal. I opened it and found an entry I wrote the day I was diagnosed. At that time I was pagan and worshiped the universe through meditation. Awaiting the testing, I sat in my bedroom and meditated. When I closed my eyes, something different happened. I envisioned that I was walking down a path. I was barefoot. As my entry goes, I climbed a tree and found a tree house, where I felt at home. I had to choose whether I was going to fly or fall. I looked down to see my family there with their hands out. I wrote how I was surprised to actually see some of the faces down there, as I am not close to some of my family members. I fell. I tried very hard to fly, but I couldn’t … I fell into my family and they set me down gently and I started to walk. I wrote in this journal how very odd it was that I couldn’t fly, as much as I wanted to, it was impossible. I wrote about how I am a strong and determined person, but I fell. I didn’t understand it when I wrote it on January 6, 2012, but Today June 9,2015 I realize it was quite the foreshadowing to my life. I was fighting for what I wanted and being shown what I needed. I shook it off and went to my appointment. As we already know, breast cancer it was.
What happened next was something I was also fighting. I returned home, dropped to my knees and prayed. Surprising myself. I talked about this before, how I felt a pressure on my back when I tried to get up off of my knees. I obeyed the pressure and stayed put.
Since then, God has spoken to me in different ways. Yes I said it, God has spoken to me. Do I hear a booming voice from the sky? No, but that would be pretty cool wouldn’t it?! It was more or less an intuition type feeling, but words were placed in my mind that I alone would never think of. I have had to battle with cancer now 4 times. Every time it has reared its ugly head, I knew before the scans. Every time, I had this gut-wrenching feeling, much different from a worrying feeling. I would start to beg God once again to speak to me. Tell me what to do. Tell me if I were going to pull through or not. I needed to know. No matter how hard I begged, He wouldn’t tell me. He gave me a sense of peace though this last time. It wasn’t that I was going to be okay, it was simply peace of mind. This last fight with cancer was by far my scariest, and I was actually read as code blue at one point. I hear all of these stories about people who see bright lights or hands. I saw nothing. In fear, I once again found myself in prayer, asking God why I didn’t see anything. Here I am 27 years old, I felt like God had turned His back on me already because I was dying. Why would a God who is loving do this to someone? And then leave them guessing?! I kept pondering this thought and grew so angry, that I called my pastor and used some choice language, professing that there is no God.
I was now at my worst. Wheelchair bound with a 3-6 months prognosis. Angry is an understatement. For the world though, I kept smiling. Kept saying God is good. Kept talking about faith. It was a lie. I was angry. I was heartbroken. Inside, I wanted nothing to do with God. One night I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I closed my eyes and held my breath. Screaming inside for God to just take me if He was really there or I was going to take myself. I had given up. I went to church. I was baptized and reborn! I led people to Him and strengthened their faith by hiding my struggles. I prayed. I begged. I fought. I was done.
For the first time since 2012, I felt that pressure that I had once felt on my back. I opened my eyes and exhaled. I heard “I am not ready for you yet.” What does that even mean?! There’s more?! I laid in bed and cried. As days passed, I kept hearing this over and over in my head. I am not ready for you. Believe it or not, I started to feel even lower. I pulled away from people and started to plan my memorial service. I felt like a burden and I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I was getting chemo one morning when I heard a new answer to my prayer. ” I will take you, but you are not done.” My first thought was, when have you cared if we are done on earth or not?! You take children! You take mothers… fathers….they aren’t done either. As my anger started to melt away, I realized what He was saying to me. My mission is not over. Although I am writing this right now and still am unclear about my mission, I am certain that I am not done. He is not done.
My joy started to slowly return. My confidence built up again. I returned to church. I took notes on the Word. I felt my faith starting to bloom again like a flower. I stopped swearing at God. The smile was genuine. The speeches were real. I still was unclear about what I was still doing here, but I didn’t care. I didn’t need to know anymore. I had peace with life and I had peace with death.
“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves”
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You’ve never failed. Well I couldn’t dispute that feeling. I mean after all, He did restart my heart through the hands of doctors. I could’ve been at home, but I was already at UNC for treatment. Convenient or God’s plan? God has given us all free will. Whether you trust Him or not, that is a choice. The choices you make are why you are where you are in life. I am not talking about disease and ailments. Loss or divorce. I am talking about your attitude. Your outlook on life is because of how you chose to wake up and what you choose to believe.
I am a Christian. I am a believer. I am a sinner.
I have seen angels. I have had things happen to me that I will never be able to explain. I am not Catholic, however I have seen St. Michael. In my living room. You may think I have lost my marbles. At times I am right there with you! This is the truth to my fight. The reason behind my emotions. The fire behind my faith.
I am not perfect. I do not have a pretty life. Being Christian doesn’t fix your issues. It gives you a glimmer of hope at the end of the road. Knowing this isn’t it. This isn’t home. I believe that God will see all of us through. He will heal the sick. Sometimes healing is dying. Sometimes healing is not how we want to be healed. I choose to follow. I choose to walk upon the waters where feet may fail. I ask Him to send me. I try to reach the unreachable. I pray for words. On my days that I still get down about life and how it will never be how I wanted it, I pray to see the light in my life. The blessings. The bigger picture. It doesn’t always come right away, but He will see me through.
I will probably always be skeptical even still. I am human. I do know that I am here by the grace of God. This blog was God’s will and I pray that He will continue to send me into unknown waters.
True faith is believing in and trusting God in spite of appearances.
Thank you for allowing me to open my heart and I hope you find confidence to do the same! God bless you and FIGHT ON!!!
Quotes are from the song Oceans by Hillsong United.